Casual Couple's Talk
by Forks'n'Spoons
Summary: A collection of funny Alphard x Canaan drabble ficlets. Every chapter with another topic, so no deep plot or storyline, just something to lighten up your day. Rated T for suggestive stuff and a bit of coarse language. Read and review, plz? :D
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: **My first Canaan fic and I already decide to do something special XD Y'know I've seen like thousands of drabble fics on this site and only very few of them were so well written that I could imagine everything that happens only by reading what the characters say and without any help of descriptive text parts in between. And this is exactly what I wanna try myself at =D I will try to keep the amount of descriptive text as low as possible and focus on the dialogue parts. So let's see how good I am at drabble fics! Let me know what you think, okay? ;-)

**Warning: For the sake of humor, the characters will be ooc. Otherwise there wouldn't be anything to laugh at ;-) Also, this story will contain Yuri (girl x girl), slightly suggestive stuff and a tiny little bit of coarse language. If that's not your cup of tea, feel free to leave now and choose another fic that appeals you more ;-) **

**Hint: **This story will play four years after the storyline of the anime, so in this story Canaan will be 20 and Alphard 24.

And now enjoy reading!

~Spoons

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><p><strong>#1: Alphard fails at cat's cradle<strong>

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><p><strong>Setting:<strong> Alpahrd sits on the couch of her and Canaan's apartment. (They've moved as far away from China as possible and now live in New York together.) Her fingers as well as her wrists are quite badly interconnected with very tearproof, woolen yarn and she looks at her hands, scowling. At the same moment, Canaan comes back from a walk in the city.

Let the fun begin!

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><p>"Hey Alphard! I'm back!"<p>

"Yeah, hey, hi."

"Wow. What a nice greeting."

Canaan hangs her jacket on the coathanger in the small entry hall and then walks into the living room, sees the situation Alphard is in but manages to supress her laughter and plops herself on the couch next to Alphard. She pretends to watch TV, but fails and stares at Alphard's hands anyway before she finally starts to talk.

"How did _that _happen?"

"I've tried myself at that cat's cradle stuff you like to do when you're bored."

"Hmhmhmhm...seems like you suck at that, huh?"

"Pretty much. Instead of the Eiffel Tower I got _this_ crap. Damned artifical hand can't do it's job right!"

"Hmhm...Honey, I don't think your artificial arm is the problem."

"I know, I know. Ugh. It looks much easier when you do it, you know."

"Uh huh...Hm...hmhmhmhm..."

"You know, trying to laugh silently won't work when I'm right next to you!"

"Sorry. I, hmhm, I just think that's...ahahahahahaha!"

"Stop laughing! That's not even remotely funny!"

"Well yeah, it is. I'm so gonna tweet this."

"Oh no you won't!"

"Yes, I will."

"Believe me, you won't."

"Oh yeah? Why not?"

"Simple. If you tweet my cat's cradle fail then I'll post that embarrasing photo of yours on Facebook."

"What embarrasing photo? There are no...oh. You mean _that _one?"

"Yes. _That _one."

"Aw, come on! You'd really do that to me?"

"Remember I tried to kill you a few years ago? I've done far worse things than that to you ."

"...Fine! I'm not gonna tweet it then."

"Good."

"You're a spoilsport."

"Whatever. The photo's already on My Space, by the way."

"What!"

"Kidding."

"Ugh."

"I mean who still uses My Space? Of course I meant Twitter."

"Alphard!"

"Just joking, no worries."

"Ugh."

"Yeah, I figured just posting the photo would be boring, so I copied it a few times, edited them with some effects, made a video with it and posted it on Youtube."

"You didn't..."

"Yeah, I did. Just type in _Canaan and the Cactus _by _Iwannashootpeopleagaindammit_. It's the one with the Jeopardy music that already has like 500k views."

"What the hell!"

"Hahahaha, baby, I'm just messing with you. Why do you fall for that everytime?"

"Ugh, you're way too good at this..."

"Yeah, I'm that great, aren't I? Now help me out of this fucking mess already!"

"Alphard. Language."

"Yeah, yeah. Go get scissors or something."

"Magic word?"

"You're kidding me..."

"If you don't say the magic word then I won't cut you free."

"...You're really enjoying to have me dependent on you, aren't you?"

"Very much, yes."

"Wipe that smirk off your face!"

"Okay, okay. Now. Magic word?"

"Ugh. Fine. Would you _please _go and get a pair of scissors to help me?"

"See? That wasn't that hard now, was it? Stay here, I'll be right back."

"Tch. Yeah, smartass. As if I'd go anywhere with my hands tied up like that."

"I heard that!"

"Hmph."

.

**A few minutes later...**

.

"Aaaand there you go. All free again."

"Ah, much better. Thanks."

"I don't understand why you didn't simply rip it, though."

"I tried! But I've accidently picked the tearproof yarn you use to sew your clothes. Guess now you can be sure that this stuff actually is really tearproof."

"Hm..hmhmhm."

"Yeah, yeah. Go ahead and laugh at me. I'll have my revenge one of these days."

"Aw, don't be like that, babe. I mean, come on! You have to admit that it's so not like you to be such a klutz."

"Tch, yeah. Look who's talking."

"Uhm...what's that supposed to mean?"

"Well, I remember a certain roadtrip that got us stranded at a farm for a day and a certain _someone _who told old farmer Bobby that he had a _nice ass_."

"I meant his donkey!"

"Then why didn't you say donkey?"

"Because ass is a synonym for donkey!"

"Yes, an old one! I mean, who in the world uses the word ass when they mean donkey? Come on! You got that dude mad horny at you back then. If I wouldn't have been with you he would have totally tried to get in your pants."

"He had a wife!"

"So? Most of the dudes that visit knocking shops on a regular basis also have wives or girlfriends."

"Wait, are you comparing me to a prostitute?"

"No, I'm not...Although I do have to admit that sometimes you certainly have the skill of one."

"Oh god, where did you get the experience to compare that?"

"Well, one time Liang, Cummings and me-"

"Okay, stop right there. Ugh. I think I'm gonna puke if you continue."

"Hehe, guess you're right. Better not dig too deep there..."

"Thanks."

"You're welcome...Well now admit that you're the bigger klutz!"

"Ugh. Are we gonna have another one of those pointless discussions that won't lead anywhere?"

"Well, if you surrender and admit that I'm much smarter and sexier than you and that you're the bigger klutz, then no."

"Pfffft. As if I'd do that!"

"Fine, then this discussion will continue."

"When have you become so thick skulled!"

"Consequence of being forced to live with you, I guess."

"Forced? Alphard, what the fuck!"

"Language."

"Don't _language _me! And stop smirking like that! And what the hell do you mean by forced!"

"Well, that Natsume woman said it's either I stay with you and never, ever even get close to a weapon again or she would have let me killed. I didn't have much of a choice, did I?"

"Fuck you!"

"No thanks. That's what I have you for."

"..."

"Aw, look who's blushing."

"Shut up! And if you don't like it here then you're free to leave anytime!"

"Aw, weak comeback, baby. And I'm just teasing you by the way, so chill out."

"...You really need to stop doing this."

"Yeah, no I won't. That's why you love me, right?"

"I also love you for other reasons."

"Which would be?"

"Uhm...well, you're-"

"You know, how about we go the bedroom and you explain those reasons to me in prrrivate?"

"Mmmh...I hate it when you purr like that."

"Hmhmhm, no you don't...Come on, let's go!"

"What the- Alphard! Put me down!"

"Oh, I will. Once we're in the bedroom."

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><p><strong>AN: **I subscribe to you as an author if you sign up at Youtube with Alphard's account name XD Well, how did you like it? Best thing ever? Bullshit? Let me know, 'kay? ;-) Thanks for reading and see ya at the next chapter! Bye!

~Spoons


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: **I just found a hilarious website and promptly got inspired for the second drabble of this little ficlet ^_^ Enjoy another part of funny Alphard x Canaan AU drabble goodness, brought to you by the one and only Spoon! XD jk ;-) This one is a bit fluffy at some parts, but I tried to keep their general dynamic of the first chapter ^_^ Enjoy reading!

**Warning: Guys! What you're going to read now is definitely NO good way to start a conversation with someone you want to flirt with. Really. It's not. *shakes head* XD **

**(**Although I CAN recommend the cooking for your lover thing when trying to make him do something for you. It always works...if you're a good chef, that is XD**)**

**.**

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><p><strong>#2: Pick-up lines, part 1<strong>

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><p><strong>Setting: <strong>Canaan lies stretched out on the couch and watches TV. At around 8pm, Alphard returns from work with a bag of groceries in her hands. She doesn't bother to unpack it though and puts the whole bag with its contents in the fridge before she hurries to sit beside her girlfriend on the couch with some kind of magazine in her hand.

Wish Canaan the best of luck to survive that! ;-)

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><p>"Oh my god, Canaan! You gotta take a look at this!"<p>

"First: You're sitting on my feet, get off them. Second: Hi honey, my day was just fine, thanks for asking. How about yours? And third-"

Canaan sits up after Alphard has gotten off of her feet, pecks her on the cheek and then leans her chin on Alphard's shoulder, looking at the magazine in the older woman's hands with a curious and slightly confused expression.

"Since when are you interested in lifestyle magazines?"

"I'm not, but look here!"

"_Fifty cool ways to pick up your crush! _Pick up lines? Really, Alphard?"

"Uh huh. I'm gonna try those on you."

"Why do you want to try cheesy teenie pick up lines on me?"

"Just to see how you'd react to them."

Canaan puts a few inches of distance between her and her older lover again, leans against the back of the couch, grabs the remote and starts zapping through the channels while Alphard keeps her gaze fixed on her.

"Do we really need to do this?"

"Oh come on, it'll be fun."

"Oh yeah. Having my girlfriend trying out pick up lines on me although we've been dating for almost a year now will be sooo amusing."

"Aw, don't be like that. There's nothing good on TV now, anyway."

"_Two and a half man _is on in a few minutes."

"Summary of a typical episode: Two guys, a kid and a few random women do and say stuff that's supposed to be funny. You won't miss anything."

"Probably not, but it'd be an excuse to avoid the verbal torture you want to put me through."

"It won't be that bad. Come on, please?"

"No."

"Pretty please?"

"Nope."

"Pweease?"

"...Babe, your puppy dog pout actually scares me."

"Really?"

"Yeah. It somewhat reminds me of Liang."

"Oh god, that bad?"

"Uh huh."

"Geez. Hmmm...okay, how about this then: You let me try the lines on you and I'll make dinner tonight?"

"Hmm, depends. What do you have in mind?"

"Let's see...we still have some crab in the fridge and I also got a bottle of oil on my way back...How about spicy crab cakes?"

"Ooohh, are you gonna make the cream dill sauce, too?"

"Yes, I'm gonna make the cream dill sauce, too."

"Yay!"

Canaan leans in again and plants a long, hard kiss on her lover's cheek, which causes said lover to roll her eyes and smile, before lying down, putting her legs into Alphard's lap and focusing on the TV screen (she's watching The Simpsons) but listening to her girlfriend. Alphard puts her elbows on Canaan's lower legs and opens the magazine.

"Alright, it's a deal. You can try your lines on me."

"Hehe, I knew I'd get you with food."

"Yeah yeah, let's get this over with already. But do we need to do all of them?"

"Yes."

"Today?"

"Of course."

"Fifty pick up lines?"

"Sure."

"No."

"Ugh."

"It's just too many. Can't we divide it? Like doing a few today and the rest another day?"

"Uhm...yeah, I guess that's okay. So how many do you want to do today then?"

"Dunno...maybe twenty?"

"Twenty it is then."

"Thanks."

"You're welcome. Now, let's start. Ready?"

"As ready as I can be for this nonsense."

"That's my girl. Okay, first one: I wish I were a tear so I can start in your eyes, live on your face and die on your lips."

"Wonderful, that sounds like you're describing yourself as some kind of weird parasite. And I don't kiss dead people."

"So it's a fail?"

"Alphard, they're all gonna be fails. I'm just gonna tell you _why_ exactly they suck and not _that _they suck."

"Hmhmhm, okay. I got it. Next: If I could rearrange the alphabet, I would put U and I together."

"Grammar fail. It's supposed to say you and _me _and not you and I."

"I...think you kinda missed the point of that one."

"Whatever. Next one, please."

"Kay, here goes number three: I may not be Fred Flintstone but I can sure make your bed rock."

"I know. You already proved that many times."

"Oh, and I'm faaar from being done giving proof."

"..."

"Your cheeks look really good with that tinge of red on them, y'know."

"...Just continue with the lines."

"Yes ma'am. Fourth one: I've heard sex is a killer. Wanna die happy?"

"I would shoot the one who says that to me."

"Why?"

"Because he would have threatened to kill me and because I shoot when I'm in danger."

"Hmm, you have a point there. Guess I'd do the same."

"Uh huh. You. The person that was threatened by my former employer that she'd kill you as soon as you even put a finger on a weapon ever again."

"Tch. Yeah. Natsume that stupid bitch. Well, nevermind. Fifth: Excuse me, but I'm new in town, can I have directions to your place?"

"No."

"...And?"

"And what?"

"That's all?"

"Yes."

"Lame."

"Whatever."

"Next one then: Is your dad a thief or something? Because someone stole the stars and put them into your eyes."

"Oh yeah. Accusing my father of being a criminal is such a nice way to start a conversation."

"Sarcasm much, babe?"

"Oh come on! That one was practically begging for it. And stop smirking like that!"

"Okay, okay. Chill out, geez."

"Ugh. Seventh, please?"

"Kay. You know what? Your eyes are the same color as my Porsche."

"Awesome. Now I have finally a good reason to buy those colored contacts I always wanted."

"You really wanna buy contacts?"

"Well, there are those light brown ones that I thought about buying 'cause at work everyone's always staring at me like they've never seen silver eyes and it's really bugging me."

"But wouldn't contacts be a hinderance to your Synesthesia?"

"Not really. I don't use my Synesthesia that often anymore and even if I wanted to use it, I could simply take the contacts out."

"I see. Well, still. I don't think you should buy them. Your eyes are beautiful the way they are and I think everyone staring at you at work thinks the same."

"...You...you really think so?"

"Of course."

"Thank you, that's so sweet of you."

"..."

"..."

"...Now, where were we?"

"Uhm, eighth I think."

"Ah, right. Okay, number eight: Do you have a mirror in your pocket? Because I can see myself in your pants."

"...Okay, I actually have no idea how to counter that one."

"Really?"

"Yeah. I'd probably just punch the guy in the face and leave without a word."

"Hmhmhm, and people ask me why I love you. Ninth: The body is made up of 90% water and I'm thirsty."

"I'm not into vampires."

"Haha, good one, although it's kinda predictable. Well, whatever. Next...Oh, you'll love that one: Excuse me for interrupting and I'm not trying to make a pass, but you must be leaving the country if you're packing that much ass."

"I MEANT HIS FUCKING DONKEY!"

"Hahahaha, I knew you'd say that. And it's not my fault that this is in here so calm down, babe."

"Ugh. How long is this whole farmer Bobby thing gonna dog me?"

"Well, until I lost the fun in teasing you with it I guess. But don't get your hopes up, cause that won't happen anytime soon."

"You know, I really don't understand how it's possible to switch personalities from being incredibly cute and romantic to being a complete bitch in only one minute."

"Yeah, yeah, nevermind. So how would you counter that line?"

"I already did. I would scream 'I meant his fucking donkey!' into the face of the one who tried that on me. I think that'd be enough to let the guy think I'm crazy and scare him off."

"Well, that's a nice strategy."

"Next."

"Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?"

"Yes. And your presence doesn't make it better, so beat it."

"Oh, good one, baby. Good one."

"Thanks."

"Number twelve: Do you like bananas or blueberries? Why? I wanna know what kind of pancackes to make in the morning."

"...That one is actually kinda cute. I think I could like the guy who uses that."

"Food really is your weakspot, huh?"

"Well, not every food. Only sweet stuff and basically everything that you make 'cause your're an awesome chef."

"Hehe, well after I couldn't threaten people with death anymore I needed another hobby and cooking was somehow the first thing that came into my mind."

"Well, and you're brilliant at it. I mean, you don't work at a six star restaurant for no reason, right?"

A few moments of silence pass in which the two of them just stare at each other with warm smiles on their faces, sharing their romantic moment in silence. Finally, Alphard lies down beside Canaan and drapes her right arm around the smaller one's shoulders before she turns her head to kiss Canaan's forehead while she holds the magazine up with her left hand. Canaan cuddles up closer to Alphard, wrapping her arms around the woman's waist while lying her head on her girlfriend's chest and putting one of her legs over Alphard's.

"Okay, next one."

"Ugh."

"What?"

"Way to ruin the atmosphere, honey."

"Come on, it's just seven more and then we're through with it for today."

"Fine then. Continue already."

"Alright, number thirteen: Are you from Tennessee? Because your the only ten I see."

"No, I'm from Arabia. And what does this ten mean, anyway?"

"I think that's a rating. Y'know, that 'on a scale from one to ten' bullshit."

"Language."

"Oh come on! I also didn't _language _you when you cursed before!"

"Well, that doesn't mean that I won't when you do."

"Oh, so you're allowed to curse but I'm not?"

"Precisely."

"What the fuck!"

"Language."

"Gah! Ugh. Fourteen: You have 206 bones in your body. Do you want another one?"

"Lame. And I already have an extra sense, so I don't need an extra bone. Next one."

"I'll give you a nickel to tickle my pickle."

"And you either run or you'll meet my gun."

"Jesus, baby. You would really take your gun with you on a date?"

"Well, I don't have it with me when I'm out with you. But if I'd be on a date with someone who uses those stupid lines, then yes. Definitely."

"Damn, girl."

"I probably wouldn't shoot him, though."

"Probably?"

"Probably."

"How nice of you."

"I know, right?"

"Ugh. Next one: Kiss me if I'm wrong but isn't your name Pineapple? Mmmmph! Wha..what the-"

"What? You said 'kiss me if I'm wrong', and you were wrong."

"..."

"Next."

"Uhm, right. Seventeenth: You turn my floppy disk into a hard drive."

"Oh come on, a computer nerd pick up line? How is that gonna make you even remotely attractive in any way?"

"Yeah, this one's the worst until now, huh? Although I do believe that Natsume could like this one."

"Oh please, even a pro hacker like Natsume has at least some kind of taste. But this line... it's so lame that I don't even _want_ to thinkabout a proper counter line."

"We'll just skip to the eighteenth then: My name isn't Elmo, but you can tickle me anytime."

"In Germany, tickling somebody without really knowing him is as bad as punching someone in the face."

"Wow, really?"

"No, but the idiot who thinks that this line actually works will also believe that crappy excuse."

"Hahaha, that's probably true. Number nineteen: If I were a fly I'd be on you all day cause you're the shit."

"Okay, this is just way beyond gross."

"Agreed. Last one?"

"Oh god, finally! Go ahead."

"And... the last pick-up line... for today...iiisss..."

"...Alphard!"

"Ouch! Hey, don't elbow me!"

"Then just spit it out already!"

"Okay, okay. Geez. Number twenty: You wanna know what I want to do in my life? You."

"Well, dreams gotta stay dreams sometimes, right? But nice try."

"Haha, yeah. Geez, I can't believe that there are actually people who really use those cheesy lines for flirting."

"I know, right? Ugh."

"But hey, there's one thing I gotta ask you."

"What is it?"

"Well...were you _really _sure about your name not being pineapple?"

"...Hmhmhmhm, come here you..."

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><p><strong>AN: **And the rest will be left to your imagination ;-) I hope you liked this one ^_^ I'm actually planning to make at least 2 more drabbles with pick-up lines in this collection. Not all in a row, but I think somewhere along the lines, drabbles of Alphard trying out more pick up lines on Canaan will pop up again ;-) Well, that's it for now :D If I won't get hit by a sudden burst of inspiration again, it could take longer for updates from now on. Maybe something around one or two weeks =D Bye until then and leave some reviews on your way out, okay? Thanks for reading!

~Spoons


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: **Yeah, I know, I took a while. My muse is not exactly a busy bee, y'know ^^ I just write when I really feel like it 'cause if I write something when I'm not in the mood it always turns out to be crap. Anyway, hope you enjoy the next drabble ^^ Thanks for the reviews until now, I really appreciate them and love to see that I can make you people smile ^^ Enjoy reading!

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><p><strong>#3: Buggin'<strong>

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><p><strong>Setting: <strong>It's a peaceful Saturday morning for our couple. Alphard woke up first and went to shower and Canaan woke up a few minutes later and prepared breakfast on the table of their living room while rather listening than watching the news on the TV. Both of them have the day off and originally decided to chill out and relax together, if Alphard wouldn't have this little bed problem...And then, things just get crazy. Have fun! ;-)

* * *

><p>..<p>

Alphard comes out of the bedroom, only dressed in a dark blue bathing robe and with a towel in her hand, with which she still ruffles her damp hair. She walks up to Canaan, hugs her from behind and kisses her neck.

"Mmm...morning."

"Waah! Geez, Alphard. You just scared the fudge out of me!"

"Really?"

"Yeah! Don't sneak up on me like that."

"Sorry, I didn't realize I did..hehe."

Canaan turns around in her arms, pecks her on the lips and then sits on the couch. Alphard sits beside her.

"I know, I know. For some reason you always move quietly. You're like a cat or a ninja...or a ninja-cat."

"N-ninja C-c-cat? H-how do y-you g-g-get this idea?"

"Just a random thought, nothing more. Why are you so nervous all of a sudden?"

"Oh, uhm...it's nothing, really. Don't mind it. So, what's for breakfast?"

"Oh no, I'm not gonna let you off like that. Come on, tell me."

"Believe me, you don't want to know."

"Why wouldn't I?"

"Well, it includes me, Liang, Cummings, a few other Snake members, lots of booze, a strip club and a bunny girl. Oh, and a corn-eating, black cat." **(A/N: O_O WTF?)**

"...Soooo...did you sleep well?"

"See? I knew you wouldn't want to know the details. And nope, I didn't sleep well."

"Oh?"

"Baby, we really need to get a new mattress."

"Do we? Why?"

"Why? Because the fucking bedbugs are gonna kill me one day if we don't!"

"Language."

"Ugh. How long are you planning on keeping that up?"

"What do you mean?"

"That whole language bullshit. It's starting to piss me off."

"Well, I'll keep it up until it actually starts to work. Oh yeah, language times two."

"Grrrr...whatever, like I said we need a new mattress. I hate to wake up in the morning and feel all itchy and scratchy."

"But you shower every morning anyway."

"Yeah but that doesn't help at being able to actually sleep peacefully."

"Is it really that bad? I mean I've never been bitten by them until now."

"Hehe, guess even insects have taste."

*BONK*

"Fffffffuuu..."

"Baby, did you just swat my artificial arm?"

"Mhm..."

"And now your knuckles hurt?"

"Mmmh."

"Hmhm...hmhmhmhm...OUCH! Hey, don't bite my nose! That hurts!"

"No, rrreally? You don't say!"

"Ow...man, I think it's gonna bleed."

"Oh don't be such a baby, it was just a little bite. And if you keep rubbing it it's only going to get worse."

"Just a little bite? I can't feel my fucking nose anymore!"

"Lan-"

"Don't. you dare finish that word."

"..."

"I'm warning you."

"..."

"I'm serious. Finish and you will suffer."

"...guage."

"Alright, now you've done it. You come here!"

"Ack! Alphard what the- ooph! ...Argh! Get off me dammit!"

"Forget it! It's time for punishment!"

"Punishment? What the- ahahahahaha stop it! Hahaha, Alphard, stop! I, hahahaha, I'm ticklish!"

"Oh, really? I totally didn't know that."

"Hahahahahahaha~ "

..

A few minutes later...

..

"Hmhmhmhm, you alright?"

"Yeah...I...just need to...catch my breath."

"Yeah, I see that."

"That...was...so mean."

"Tch, you had it comin'."

"Whatever...get off me."

"No."

"Alphard!"

"Yep, that's what they call me."

"..."

"Baby, your death glare is so not intimidating at all."

"Wow, thank you very much."

"Anytime."

"Screw you."

"Language."

"Since when is screw a bad word?"

"Screw you means the same as fuck you, so it's a curse word."

"Okay, that is so not true."

"Of course it is. You want me to get a dictionary to prove it?"

"I don't care about the dictionary, I know that you're wrong without it."

"Baby...just...what the fuck!"

"Language."

"SHUT UP!"

"..."

"And stop smirking!"

"It's so easy to annoy you, you know that?"

"...Alright, you know what?"

"No, what?"

"We're gonna go get a new mattress later on, but I'm gonna be the only one to test it tonight 'cause you're sleeping on the couch."

"What the...You're grounding me?"

"You bet I am."

"That's not fair!"

"Oh yes it is!"

"Come on, I'm sorry okay?"

"Too late."

"Come on, please?"

"No."

"Pwweaase?"

"Nope."

"..."

"Wow, and you say my puppy dog pout is scary."

"I love you."

"Wh-whaa...?"

"You're beautiful."

"Why are you...oh, I see. Heh, clever thought, but manipulating me with compliments won't work."

"Damn! Come on, Alphard, don't do that to me. I'm gonna catch a cold!"

"We have blankets, y'know."

"But...they're not the same as you."

"..."

"...Why are you smiling at me like that?"

"Every time you blush I wish I had a camera 'cause I swear that's like...the cutest thing ever."

"Gee, don't say something like this all of a sudden..."

"Yeah, look who's talking."

"Shut your trap!"

"Okay, okay. Geez, calm down."

"...Sooo...do I still get the couch tonight?"

"...I'll think about it."

"Yay!"

Finally Alphard gets off Canaan and helps her up.

"Darling, can you please stop smiling creepily?"

"Sorry. It's just that I think it's funny how you always thought that you're the one wearing the pants in this relationship."

"I do. I just outsmarted you so that you finally get off me."

"..."

"Well, don't just sit there with a shocked face, get dressed! The mattress shop closes in about two hours, so we have to get going. We can have breakfast later."

"...Fuck."

"Language."

"Grrrr..."

..

* * *

><p><strong>AN: **Mmmkay, this one was rather random...lol. And I think I'm gonna keep the "Language" running gag ^^ That'll be something like my trademark...at least in this story. Lol XD Well, I hope I managed to make you smile ^^ Leave some reviews on your way out, 'kay? See ya!

~Spoons


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: **Took me long enough, didn't it? Hehe, sorry for the very long wait. My life's been pretty much like a roller coaster ride lately, so I had shitloads of stuff I needed to take care of. Would be a lie if I said everything's back to normal 'cause it's actually far from that, but oh well. Things are finally starting to slowly calm down again and my muse told me that continuing this story to get my mind away from my real life for a few moments so I can breathe again would be a good idea. She was right. XD I hope you enjoy this chapter! Also, thanks for all the positive feedback you guys gave me until now. It's nice words like this that keep me going and make me a happy panda :3

Alphard: Wow, that was pretty fucking cheesy just now.

Canaan: Language.

Alphard: Why you-

Me: Quiet! Both of you!

*sigh* Anyway, enjoy reading!

- Saji (spoon in Japanese, lol)

P.S.: Want me to write a special drabble about a special topic? Then feel free to throw me your input in a review or pm. It's rare that I ignore the wishes of my fellow readers ;D

Oh yeah, btw: I think it'd be helpful if I added that:

"Hmhmhm" = chuckle

"Hah" = sigh

And expressions like "Tch", "Pff", "Mmph",etc. are self explanatory I guess ;-]

* * *

><p><strong>#4: Pick-up lines, part 2<strong>

* * *

><p><strong>Setting: <strong>It's 9pm and our couple spends a relaxed evening in front of the TV. Canaan is lying on her stomach on the couch, one of her arms dangling over the edge of it while her somewhat bored is gaze is directed towards the TV. Alphard literally lies on top of her (and no, it's not what you think. Both of them are still dressed. XD), her cheek comfortably resting against Canaan's shoulder blade while both of her arms encircle the synesthete's lower ribcage. Said synesthete is zapping through the channels and tries to find something they'd both enjoy watching, but it seems like Alphard doesn't approve of anything that's on. And then, Canaan says something she probably really shouldn't have...

Let the lines begin! ;-)

* * *

><p>*Zap*<p>

"No."

*Zap*

"Nah."

*Zap*

"Ugh."

*Zap*

"I didn't even know they were still airing this..."

"Why wouldn't they still air _Roseanne_? It's a classic."

"Yeah, a bad classic."

"Ugh."

*Zap*

"Oh hell no!"

"You really hate _Ghost Whisperer _that much?"

"Oh please, every episode is the same. Jennifer Love Hewitt talking to ghosts and being all fluffy and fuzzy with her cheesy ass husband or boyfriend or male hooker or whatever that guy's supposed to be. And I mean, every episode ends in her sending the ghosts into the light or something, so if she already knows how this stuff is going to end anyway, why doesn't she just end it all right from the start? Like 'Hi, I'm a ghost. Someone killed me.' 'Oh, hi ghost, who got killed. I'll send you straight into the light. See ya!' "

"Okay, first: he's her husband. They have a child together. And second: she has to help the ghosts before they can go into the light, otherwise the show wouldn't make sense."

"Wait, so all this solving mysteries and helping dead people bullshit is supposed to make sense?"

"Ugh, okay! You don't like it! I get it! Geez..."

*Zap*

"Wow..."

"What's so special about the weather forecast?"

"I didn't go 'wow' 'cause of the weather forecast."

"Well, why did you go 'wow' then?"

"I just cursed and you didn't _language _me."

"Meh. I wasn't in the right mood to _language _you."

"There's a _language_-mood?"

"Yeah. It's something between angry, amused and bored I guess."

"...Hmmm...amusoredry."

"...The hell?"

"That's a word I just made up. A mixture of amused, bored and angry. Amusoredry."

"So whenever I'm in the mood to _language_ you, I feel amusoredry?"

"Yep."

"...You know, I actually think this sounds like some sort of really weird illness."

"Really? I think it sounds more like the name of a sect or something..."

"A sect, huh? What are their goals?"

"Amusoredries dedicate their lives to berating people to use less coarse language and be more polite."

"Interesting. Any consequences if you don't comply with their rules?"

"The ones, who don't comply with Amusoredry's guidelines will be given the strict glare. If the strict glare doesn't work, they will use the very strict glare."

"And what if neither the strict nor the very strict glare work?"

"Dunno...maybe they pack up and come to beat you up with a dictionary or something."

"Wow. The perfect sect of playground bullies."

"Yeah. Playground bullies with sunglasses."

"Why sunglasses?"

"Because sunglasses make everything much more badass."

"They do?"

"Yeah. That's what I learned from Horatio Caine."

"Who's Horatio Caine?"

"..."

"What? Why are you looking so shocked?"

"I...I'm just gonna pretend that you haven't said what you just said just now."

"Huh? Why? I just asked who-"

"Don't. Repeat it."

"Uhm..."

"Just don't."

"Uh...okay...you're weird."

"...Yeah, look who's talking!"

"I'm just asking who Horatio Caine is!"

"Argh, I just told you not to repeat this!"

"Good lord, what in the world is wrong with you?"

"Tell you what: you google him later. Then you'll understand."

"Ugh, fine! Then get off me!"

"Huh? No. Why?"

"Because I want to go to the computer and google Horatio Caine! And maybe tweet that I have weird girlfriend..."

"What? Now? Noouuu! You're so comfy and I wanna cuddle you a bit longer."

"But...Hah, sheesh. You're such a softie."

"Yeah, I guess...Only for you, though."

"Aaww, yay. I have my personal, oversized teddy bear."

"Hmhmhm, you sure do..."

"Hehe...oh, geez Alphard, don't squeeze me so tightly. That kind of hurts in the position we're in, you know."

"Oh please, as if you don't like it."

"I never said I don't..."

*Zap*

"_The Simpsons_, hm? Not too bad I guess."

"Yeah, but those are the ending credits. We missed it."

"Aw man."

"Yeah. Ugh, why is there nothing good on TV tonight? This is so boring!"

"Hmmm...so you're bored, huh?"

"Yeah...Whoa, hold on a second...Why don't I like the way you just said that?"

"Hehe, momma here just got an idea."

"I don't like it when momma gets ideas."

"Aw, why not baby?"

"Because they usually either involve something really stupid or something that'll annoy the hell out of me."

"...Hmhmhmhmhm.."

"Chuckling like that just proves that I'm right. Oh dear, what are you up to?"

"You just wait here and don't go anywhere, I'll be right back."

Alphard gets up and leaves the living room for only a few moments before she comes back with a magazine in her hand and a smirk on her face. Canaan's eyes widen as she immediately recognizes the magazine once Alphard sits back on the couch.

"Oh no...no no no, anything but that. Please!"

"We haven't even started and you're already begging to stop? Wow."

"Not those lines again, please."

"Not gonna work. We still have 30 to go and you promised to do all of them."

"Nouu! Can't you just ignore that promise, please? I'll do anything if you do!"

"Anything?"

"Anything."

"You should probably reconsider that, babe."

"Huh? Why?"

"Well, you would really open looots of doors for me if you promised me to do anything."

"...What kind of doors?"

"Rrrreally naughty ones. And since you gotta go to work tomorrow, I think it'd be a good idea if you'd still be able to properly move your legs when you wake up."

"Oh please, you don't even have the proper 'equipment' to make me feel so messed up the morning afterwards."

"Hohoho, is my darling challenging me?"

"Hmhmhmhm, and what if I am?"

"...Save that sexy smirk for later. We're still gonna do the lines before."

"Ugh, damn it! So close!"

"Yeah, not close enough though. Anyway, how many?"

"Don't know...5?"

"Pff. 15. Minimum."

"How about 10?"

"Hah, fine then. 10 it is."

"Oh hallelujah."

"I can do all 30 if you're so excited about it, y'know."

"No no, 10 is totally okay."

"Hahaha, I knew you'd say that. Anyway, here we go. First one: Were you in boy scouts? Because you sure have tied my heart in a knot."

"Given the fact that I'm female, I certainly wasn't in the boy scouts."

"Let's make this girls scouts then."

"Given the fact that I'm male, I certainly wasn't in the girls scouts."

"...Eeeh?"

"Confusion is key."

"...I don't get it."

"Which just proves that I'm right."

"...Yeah...okay. Moving on! Number 2: If you stood in front of a mirror and held up 11 roses, then you'd see 12 of the most beautiful things of the world."

"I'm allergic to roses."

"That's a lie."

"Tch, as if the one trying this line on me would know that."

"Good point. Number 3: Hello, I'm a thief and I'm here to steal your heart."

"Well hi there, I used to be an assassin, who used to put a bullet through the likes of you."

"Getting violent again, huh?"

"I could tell the police that it was self-defense. After all, he did say he wanted to steal something from me."

"And telling him to leave you alone wouldn't have done it?"

"Whose side are you on!"

"I'm just saying! I mean you could've told him that a certain someone was faster than him..."

Canaan can't help but smile at this and then turns around on the couch. She now lies there on her back with her head placed in her girlfriend's lap and warmly smiles up at the gray-eyed, older woman.

"You didn't steal anything. You just sneaked your way in."

"Mhm, and found a quite comfy place to stay at."

"Hehe, and you say you don't like cheesy movies, yet here you are, using lines that could be ripped off of some bollywood flick."

"Oh come on, you're the one who started it."

"Started what?"

"The cheesy stuff!"

"Aaww, looky my teddy is blushing."

"...Moving on!"

"Ugh. Moodkiller."

"Whatever. 4th: Hi, cupid called. He says to tell you he needs my heart back."

"Tell him I return it as soon as I can and that I accidentally broke it."

"Oh wow, where did you learn to be so mean?"

"Side effect of dating my former arch nemesis, I guess."

"Hmhmhm, I take that as a compliment."

"Yeah, I didn't expect anything else."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Nothing. Next line, please."

"Yes ma'am! Number 5: There's a star in the sky for every time I think of you."

"Well, thank god it's cloudy tonight."

"What if it wouldn't be cloudy?"

"Then I guess I would just get up and leave without a word, because this line is so lame that it doesn't even deserve a simple 'no' as a response."

"Now, that's what I call a straight forward answer..."

"Yeah, why lie about something so obvious, right? I learned that from Natsume."

"Grrr...Natsume..."

"Are you still mad at her?"

"You aren't? I mean, don't those monthly calls about whether I'm still with you and how I behave and whatnot get on your nerves, too?"

"Actually, they don't. It kind of feels nice to stay in touch with her like that. I mean, she did do a lot for me back in China, after all."

"Huh? Why are you defending her? She used you as a human weapon!"

"Can you just continue with the lines, please?"

"Haah, yeah. 6th one: If I followed you home, would you keep me?"

"Haha, this is actually one I could see you using when you're drunk."

"Eh? Are you kidding me?"

"Nope. You're a flirt when you're really wasted. And you use really weird ways to start a conversation with whoever catches your eye."

"Oh come on, I don't do that!"

"Yes, you do. Remember that one evening when we all went to this bar in Queens to make up and forget about what had happened in the past? You really drank a lot that night and...then you started flirting with Maria."

"W-with...with Maria? Osawa Maria? Really?"

"Mhm. You completely ignored me that evening. I knew that you probably didn't know what you were doing and I also knew that there was no way Maria would actually let you do something, so I just let it slide and didn't give much thought about what you were doing, but...that doesn't mean that it didn't hurt, you know. And this wasn't the only time this had happened."

"But... if it bothers you that much, why don't you just confront me about it the next day? Or ask me to stop while I'm at it? Or make me stop?"

"How am I supposed to _make_ you stop? Do you think I'd knock you out and drag you home or something?"

"Hehe, well, you did own me in those last few minutes of our fight on the train, y'know..."

"Wrong time to joke around, honey."

"Sorry...I guess I'm not really good at that kind of talk."

"Yeah, you really aren't."

"...Well uhm...I...I don't really know...do you want me to apologize?"

"That's not necessary. Nothing has happened until now except of you flirting with some random people. You never got really serious. And it would be somehow stupid to want you to regret something you can't even really remember you did in the first place."

"Uhm..."

"...Hah, look. You love me, right?"

"Yeah. More than anything."

"And I know that, because it's evident in your color. And as long as this doesn't change, I just keep on trusting you to always remember whom you really belong with, no matter how much you flirt with someone that isn't me."

"But...but didn't you just say that I hurt you by doing this?"

"That's true. And I do admit that I get jealous because of that, but then again I don't think it's possible to turn a wild predator into a docile pet. At least not in such a short time."

"..."

"...Hehe, what kind of expression is this?"

"An expression that asks you to please let us change the topic."

"Hahaha, you really hate talking about serious stuff like that, don't you?"

"Well, if it makes me feel so stupid about myself, then yeah."

"...It's not really good to always avoid talking about those things, though. You know that, right?"

"I do, I do, but...I...I just kinda..."

"Hmhmhm, it's fine for now. Let's just drop that and continue where we left off before."

"Oh geez, thanks! Okay, where were we...6th, right?"

"Yeah. 7 is next."

"Got it. Number 7: You must be Jamaican, because Jamaican me crazy."

"That one's actually creative, but I'm Arabian."

"Hm..hmhmhm..."

"What are you chuckling about?"

"I'm imagining you as a Jamaican."

"Huh?"

"Yeah. You'd be having dreadlocks and wearing one of those colorful, oversized shirts and listen to Bob Marley, smoking weed all day."

"As if I'd ever do that!"

"Whoaa, chill dude, chill. Jus fill da splif wit kaya an let's get higha!"

"Shut the fuck up!"

"Hahahaha! Aw, baby that totally wasn't polite just now. Amusoredry does so not approve of your behavior."

"Tch, as if I give a damn."

"..."

"You're not really giving me the strict glare just now, are you?"

"I just wanna see if it works."

"Well, it doesn't!"

"..."

"The very strict glare doesn't work, either!"

"Damn it!"

"Just continue with the lines already!"

"Heh, you're always so easy to tick off."

"..."

*Chomp*

"Ouch! Geez Canaan, if you continue with those biting attacks I swear I'm gonna buy you a muzzle!"

"Oh come on you big baby, it was just a light bite in your forearm...And to be honest, I think I'd actually find that sexy."

"What? Being muzzled?"

"Being muzzled, being leashed...I mean, why not? As long as you're my master, I'm fine with it."

"Oooh, someone's got an animalistic side."

"Rawrrr."

"...On with the lines!"

"Damn it!"

"Heh. You're not gonna distract me that easily."

"Oh come on, I made you hot right now and you know it."

"No comment. Number 8: I think my pants would look good on your bedroom floor."

"They do. I just don't like that I'm the one who has to pick them up every time."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"That you're messy."

"What?"

"You heard me."

"Yeah, I did, but that's totally not true."

"I didn't manage to tidy up the bedroom today, so instead of arguing with me, why don't you just go and have a look at it yourself?"

"Tch. Fine."

And so Alphard gets up, walks to their bedroom, opens the door, peeks inside, closes the door again, returns to the couch, sits down on it quietly and grabs the magazine again. As soon as her girlfriend returns, Canaan takes her previous position with her head in Alphard's lap and smirks up at her.

"Aaand?"

"...Number 9...stop smirking!"

"What kind of crappy pick-up line is that?"

"Oh shut up, you know what I mean."

"Yeah, it means that I was right and that you just got owned, my dear."

"Hmph, whatever."

"Come on, say it."

"I won't."

"Saayy iiit..."

"Forget it. And stop poking my chin or I'll bite your finger."

"Let meee hear yoouu sayy iiit."

"..."

*Chomp*

"Ow! Geez, now who's the one needing a muzzle?"

"What goes around, comes around babe. Anyway, number 9: If I-"

*Ring*

"Phone!"

"What the-"

Canaan literally jumps up from the couch and goes to get the phone in the hallway, not noticing that Alphard gets up and follows her only a few moments later.

"Hello?... Oh, hi Maria! How are-"

*Snatch*

"Hey Maria, this is Alphard. See, Canaan and me are kinda busy at the moment but you can call again later, like tomorrow afternoon or something, 'kay? Bye."

And without even letting Maria answer, Alphard hangs up and puts the phone back on its base, having Canaan look at her with a slightly angry look.

"Why did you - mmph!...nnh...hah, ow! Hey don't bite my neck...that's going to leave marks..."

"Mmmh...Bedroom. Now."

"Hmhmhm, trying to order me around now, are we? What about the remaining 2 lines, hmm?"

"Screw them."

"And what if I say I -..Whoa, hey! Put me down!"

"You talk too much, babe."

* * *

><p><strong>End of #4<strong>

* * *

><p><strong>AN: **Extra long chapter to make up for the long waiting period n_n And I like my sexually suggestive endings XD

And now, a little explaining on the somehow serious talk I threw into this one...

You already know by now that for Canaan and Alphard, I have chosen this couple dynamic of them constantly teasing and arguing with each other without really meaning any of it. I have read tons of stories where a certain couple had a similar dynamic, but then all of those couple's teasing battles and casual arguments would either turn out to be a really serious fight, or end in an overly cheesy and fluffy romantic scene...or the fight itself would just be plain ridiculous (e.g. I once read a story about a couple fighting over who sleeps on which side in the bed. Like...seriously fighting. No teasing or fun-fighting, they were being dead serious. Ugh. -.-). I am trying to avoid all of the just mentioned possibilities because they somehow give me the feeling of a "fake couple", know what I mean? Those fiction couples you can't really relate to 'cause a real couple would most likely never behave like said fiction couple? However, even though this drabble collection really is meant to just give you something to smile about without having any deep plot or storyline throughout the chapters, I wouldn't want Canaan and Alphard to be a couple without any emotional depth (hence the fluff I included until now). *sigh* What I'm trying to tell you is that I want to avoid letting Canaan and Alphard be a sort of "fake" couple, in which both partners constantly mess around with each other without ever having any serious topic to talk about. Teasing and being sweet with each other is not all there is to a relationship ;-) Don't worry though, I will still stick to the original genres of this fanfiction, meaning most of those drabbles I'm about to write will still be random humor combined with bits of fluff. But starting now, I will start to sometimes include a little more serious topic to make Canaan and Alphard and their dynamic as a couple a little livelier and more realistic ;-)

**ALSO:** Please note that I was NOT dissing Ghost Whisperer or Roseanne in the first part of this chapter. Personally, I love both of the shows (especially Roseanne. I kinda grew up with it n_n). If you feel offended by something as minor as this, although I just told you to not take this too serious, then please don't bother to leave a review, because I really don't want to have to deal with fan-rage n_n

Well then, hope you enjoyed reading! See ya next time! ;D

- Spoons


	5. An important note

This is not a chapter, it's just an information

Hello there, fellow readers of this story. This is not Forks'n'Spoons speaking. I'm her best friend, August7. I have her email and account password to enter her fanfiction account in special cases of emergency, so to say. :) Lately I saw that she has not posted any note to inform the people here of her absence (she probably just forgot it), so I thought that I will do that for her in order to prevent her stories from losing too many readers. :)

Starting from the 17th of September, Forks'n'Spoons has gone on what could be called a very long business journey (it's actually not quite like that, but I'm not sure if I'm allowed to say anything, so let's just leave it at that). She will probably manage to be back in the first or second week of November. Until then, she will not be able to access the internet, so all of her stories are on hold until then. Please be patient, I'm sure once she returns she will try to update this and her other stories as soon as possible. :)

Thank you for your attention,

August7


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